I was asked a while back, “What do you do to relax?” and I honestly didn’t have an answer. It was at this moment that I realized the sheer magnitude of how much my life has changed over the past few years. This realization led me to acknowledge that I am always overwhelmed with guilt when I do things like watch TV or even listen to a funny podcast. I unintentionally make it a point to avoid common luxuries that others indulge themselves in as an attempt to “shut down”.
These actions are a result of my life revolving around the idea that I will never go back to the world of working for someone else. I don’t think that I could live with myself if I failed at being self-employed, especially if I knew it was because I slacked ass and didn’t take full advantage of my time. Even with this mindset, I still beat myself up at the end of the day because I don’t think I accomplished enough. It’s an endless battle of never being satisfied with my own actions.
Because of this obsession, I will probably never hold an actual lifelong relationship. I am more times than not completely self-centered and have absolute tunnel vision in the direction of my own objectives. The world could be burning down around me and I could honestly not give a single fuck. I have learned to gain comfort in being alone because, in all reality, that is how I will spend most of my life. Why spend time trying to obtain something that isn’t feasible? Accept the situation and move on.
To the outside world, this is no way to live. What people fail to understand is that I gain more self-satisfaction on a daily basis learning and making my goals a reality than I ever did from a comfortable relationship or wasting away at a 9-5 for the sake of a steady paycheck. I don’t feel the need to unwind with mind-numbing vices like TV and alcohol because I find enough satisfaction in my daily victories. There is no need to escape from reality because I am building and living a life on my own terms.
Written by: Andy Lewis